


What Else Could I Do?

by Sculder (Philer4Ever)



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Embarrassment, F/M, Feelings Realization, Fox Mulder Angst, Inappropriate Erections, One-Sided Attraction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-27
Updated: 2017-12-27
Packaged: 2019-02-22 13:05:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13167513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Philer4Ever/pseuds/Sculder
Summary: Mulder is forced to make a decision that will change his life forever.





	1. A Decision Is Made

Mulder’s Apartment  
8:32 AM

Mulder stared at the moving images on his TV screen, the same thing he’d been doing off and on for the past 18 hours. He checked his watch every hour but as the time got closer, he’d been checking it every 5-10 minutes. He was waiting for his watch to say 9:00 AM, when the transfer office at the Bureau will open. He could no longer sit— now he must pace. The time was getting close, the time when he would do it... 

He had all night to think about it, actually ever since he got home at around 6:30 PM last night. It has been a long time coming, but yesterday pushed him to make his decision, a decision he didn’t want to make but had to make. There was no other way. He paced again, back and forth. He knew there had to be a well-worn path in the floor by now. He grabbed his basket ball and bounced it on the floor and against the wall a few times, then checked his watch. It said 8:35 AM, twenty-five more minutes to wait. Twenty-five more minutes before his life changes forever-- but it had to be done. 

He had to get away from her. He had to do this for himself and for her. He had to do it before he ruined both their lives. 

Mulder sat back down on his couch and tried to remember how all of this could have happened. How did he get to the place where he was right now? They had been a fantastic team. They knew each other better than anyone—it was what good partners were supposed to do. They were supposed to be in sync with one another to the point of knowing what each other was thinking and feeling. They had to protect one another in every sense of the word. They had to always be there for each other. And above all, they had to trust each other. 

The “X-Files” team did all of that, and more. He and Scully were everything to each other. They were the perfect team, but there was one thing that wasn’t so perfect: the fact that he was a man and she was a woman. Now, male and female partner groups do exist, remain platonic and work together as a good team, but it’s very rare. Usually, these partners are either married to each other or other people or either one or both were involved in separate relationships. Of course, Mulder and Scully were not married to each other or other people, and neither were in relationships. The only way this kind of partnership was to be successful was for both people to have something else or someone else in their lives that would distract them from each other. 

For both he and Scully, it was work, their relentless search for the truth-- his more so than hers. He poured everything into his work, leaving very little time or energy for anything else. She did the same. She strove to be perfect and meticulous. She gave everything over to her work, leaving no time or energy to really enjoy any of what life had to offer. 

Now we’re talking about an attractive man in his thirties and a beautiful woman, also in her thirties, both heterosexual, working closely together for 5 years. They probably don’t have significant others because they’re significant to each other. How could two people like this not become more than work partners? This was a question many people wondered about. Everyone figured it was just a matter of time before they gave in to their natural attraction for one another. Some at the Bureau believed they were already sleeping together. He and Scully were not oblivious to all of this, including the attraction, but they were both workaholics who put their jobs above everything else. But sooner or later the work would eventually run out-- for at least one of them. 

Fox Mulder was the one. It started slowly at first, just playful teasing. He would make silly sexual remarks to see if he could make her blush then after awhile he’d say them as a release of sexual tension. Early on, he hadn’t been fully aware that was what he was doing. When he first laid eyes on her, he thought she was one of the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen. Having a very disciplined mind, he ignored those thoughts and began to only see her as his partner, not a gorgeous accessible woman. His senses were closed to her. He didn’t see her flaming red hair, her pouty ruby lips, her petite shapely figure or her cobalt blue eyes. He didn’t see the way her blouse fell open just enough when she leaned over to read something over his shoulder. He couldn’t smell the perfume she wore behind her ears, on the inside of her wrists, or in the cleavage of her breasts. His hands couldn’t feel her thigh as he accidentally brushed it reaching for something and his body felt nothing as she unintentionally bumped him on her way through the door. 

He allowed none of these things to ever occur to him but he was a man after all and he couldn’t ignore these things forever. Eventually, she would get to him, and get to him she did, without even trying. Mulder began to pace again as he thought of the moment it happened: the moment when his senses woke up and came flooding back to him. He believed it all started the moment he found out Scully had cancer and might die. He saw there was actually a possibility he could lose her forever. He realized when someone is around long enough you tend to take them for granted. Mulder knew this was happening with Scully. He figured she would always be there. He also felt he never had to go out of his way to do things for her because she was extremely independent. He liked that about her. He didn’t have to do all those gentlemanly things, like pulling her chair out, remain standing until she sat or assisting her when she had to do physical activities. 

Occasionally he would hold the door open for her, but that was about it. It wasn’t because he didn’t want to do these things for her-- he just didn’t have to and she wouldn’t have allowed it if he did. It never even crossed his mind. Scully was his partner and his equal. She was certainly not a stereotype and hardly ever the damsel in distress or the emotional weakling when it came to The X-Files. He would never have to worry about her not being able to take care of herself. He knew nothing could harm his Scully simple because she wouldn’t allow it. 

That lack of attention Mulder paid towards her was what made them the perfect man-woman team. He didn’t have to always come running to her defense. But now things were different. Mulder no longer saw her as indestructible or invincible. She could get hurt and even die. She couldn’t take care of herself anymore; she’d become physically weak. Scully had fallen and needed to be picked up and cared for. He saw her become frail and delicate. The Scully he knew had disappeared, and in her place was this... vulnerable woman, a woman who had become... needy. 

Her illness made her reach out emotionally, more than any other time in her life. Even though she tried to hide it, he saw her cry. He’d seen her cry before, but this was different. This was because she had lost some of her faith and her hope. She didn’t think she would get out of this alive. This was not his Scully. His Scully would never lose hope. She was always the one to give him the support through her faith. Now this... illness... had changed her. 

Because of this change, Mulder could no longer see her the same way. Even his reactions towards her changed. In his eyes, Scully was not the same person. To say Mulder didn’t think of Scully as a woman would be more accurate than one might think. It’s not that she wasn’t a woman, just not the kind of woman Mulder was attracted to. Scully was just as pretty or prettier than all the women he’d ever known romantically but the difference was they all seemed to need something from him-- Scully did not. 

There was something about Mulder’s relationships with women that had them needing him in various ways. A less kind scenario would be to say they wanted to use him, either to further their careers or to get something from him they felt they needed. Mulder was aware of this, but he rather enjoyed the fact that he was needed. He liked the position of giver. He gave them what they wanted and it made him feel like he had a purpose in life: the provider. 

Maybe this came from his role as big brother and eventually sole surviving son. Mulder took care of his sister as any big brother would but throughout their parent’s stormy marriage, he had to be the one to give Sam what she wasn’t getting from them. For a long while, Mulder had to be mother and father to her. He didn’t resent her for it because he loved his sister and was happy to be there to give her what she needed. When she was taken, Mulder’s role changed. Now he would give his parents what they wanted: a dutiful son who gave them no trouble. If they wanted to take all of their anger, guilt and frustration out on him then he would let them. As a child, he didn’t have much choice but as an adult, he continued to let people use and abuse him to satisfy his own needs. He came to accept and welcome relationships that allowed him to have this role. This was how he felt wanted and cared for. This was how he felt loved. All the women in his life gave him this role. All the women-- except one. 

Scully didn’t really need Mulder. She didn’t need or want him to do things for her other than what a person needed from their partner. His whole dynamic with her as a woman was different. For the first time in his life, he wasn’t needed by a woman. This was another reason he was able to close his senses to her. Scully didn’t seem to possess what made Mulder attracted to women: the neediness, the wanting. But now, things were different. Scully needed him now. She needed him to help her get through this terrible time in her life. Of course, as her partner and best friend, he would be there for her. He would care for her if she needed it and he would hold her if she wanted it. He would let her use him in any way she saw fit because he loved her, a love that went beyond the physical. 

Scully was now allowing him to show her his love in the only way he knew, the way he was used to showing it to every woman in his life. With this single act, their relationship went to a different level. And for Mulder, this level involved feelings and senses he never had before for his partner. He realized he was going towardsd dangerous territory but there was nothing he could do to stop himself. When she had returned to work, Mulder knew she wanted to pretend everything was back to normal, including herself. For a while, Mulder also tried to pretend but that didn’t last very long. Instead of letting her be independent again, he was there helping her, catering to her, doing things for her. He claimed he wanted to make sure she was all right. When she insisted she was, he still continued to treat her as though she were fine china: fragile. He became overly protective of her. He didn’t allow her to do anything on her own; he had to always be there. She couldn’t enter a room or building first anymore. 

Scully knew what he was doing. For a while, she let it happen because she felt he needed to do this for her. When he wouldn’t stop, she got upset with him. Mulder wasn’t feeling so great himself. He wanted desperately for Scully to need him again, but it wasn’t happening. Scully needed to be herself again, the strong, independent person she was but Mulder would rather she stayed the way she was when she was sick. 

He, of course, didn’t want her to remain sick, but he did want her to still need him in that way. He liked his new relationship with her. He liked her to depend on him, to want him to do things for her. He felt this showed she really loved him. By doing things for her, he was showing how much he loved her. During Scully’s illness, Mulder was beginning to feel a strange sense of peace whenever he was around her, a peace he had never known before. It was a warm, almost euphoric feeling. He felt good around her before but not like this. This was more intense. The more he was with her the more he felt it. He began to look forward to coming to her hospital room, to see her or to do things for her. He thrived on this feeling. He was needed, which to him, meant he was being loved. 

Gradually and without warning, Mulder identified the way he was feeling. He had felt like this before but only with a handful of women—actually, maybe only one or two. He was in love. He had fallen in love with her, with his partner. Mulder didn’t want to admit it right away but he knew the feeling. He fell in love with Scully but this wasn’t the Scully who was his partner. This was the Scully who needed him and was dependent on him. Now whenever they were together, he still had those feelings. It seemed the more time they were together, the more intense those feelings became. When he sat next to her in the car as she drove, he ached to touch her or to hold her. She had asked him to hold her in the hospital and he did, for hours. He rocked her in his arms, quieting her tears and calming her fears. She needed him and now he needed her to need him in that way again. 

Her closeness was unbearable now. He couldn’t just be with her as a partner-- he wanted to be with her as a lover. All the holding and caring he did in the hospital was just foreplay. Mulder wanted it to continue. He needed to take care of her again, to physically be there for her in every way possible. 

Mulder checked his watch again. It was 8:50 AM. He had ten minutes before he did it. He rubbed his hands over his sleep-deprived face. He didn’t believe the situation he had gotten himself into. He tried for so long to justify his feelings. He told himself it was all right to love his partner. This kind of love would not interfere with their work or their careers-- but he was fooling himself. He knew exactly what kind of love he had for Scully and that love was prohibited. He allowed himself to feel something he shouldn’t have. 

He hoped once the old independent Scully had returned, he wouldn’t feel like this anymore. He wouldn’t love her anymore. Who was he kidding? He would always love Scully, love her in every sense of the word. He just needed an excuse to let himself feel it, to give himself permission. It was safe when he knew his criteria for loving a woman was something Scully did not fit but when she became ill, she suddenly fit. Now she’s better and has stopped needing him. She no longer fits his criteria but that doesn’t matter anymore. He allowed himself to go all the way with his feelings for her and he can’t turn back. 

Mulder also knew Scully didn’t really need to fit into a certain criteria in order for him to let himself love her. That would have happened, regardless. He just needed something to justify supposedly feeling nothing for her. If he pretended to give himself a legitimate reason for not being attracted to her, then he could follow that and not get into any trouble. Now that was all shot to hell and he had to deal with what was happening. 

Months passed since Mulder became aware that he was in love with Scully. He knew he couldn’t approach her about it, so he tried to manage as best he could. He made it a point not to put himself in situations that would trigger any impulses or feelings. No accidental touching, brushing, or bumping. It was tough but he was able to do it. 

Then something happened yesterday afternoon that really pushed Mulder to the place he was now. The day started like any other day. They each arrived at the office and began to look over evidence and documents from the case they were currently working on. He felt very proud for being able to control himself these past few months. He began to think maybe this wouldn’t be a problem. He had always repressed his urges in the past but now because they were stronger, he’d just have to try harder. Then Mulder received a phone call that afternoon.

“Mulder,” he answered.

“Mulder, it’s Skinner. I need you and Agent Scully to go over to the crime scene again. Agent Morr found additional evidence which may be crucial to the case,” Skinner said.

“Yes, Sir, we’ll leave right away,” Mulder said then hung up the phone. Mulder replaced the phone in his coat pocket then glanced at Scully. “That was Skinner. He wants us to go back to the crime scene. They found more evidence,” Mulder said as he grabbed his coat. 

Scully got hers and they both walked out of the office. The agents arrived at the scene and began discussing the new evidence. After they spoke with Agent Morr, they got in the car to take the evidence back to the lab for analysis. 

Scully got behind the wheel and Mulder slid into the passenger seat. He looked down in his lap at the plastic bag holding the crucial evidence. Stopping at a red light, Scully turned towards Mulder. She wanted to take another quick look at the evidence bag. She reached out her hand to grab the bag from Mulder’s lap but instead of grabbing the bag, Scully accidentally grabbed Mulder. He apparently had a serious erection that he was trying to cover with the plastic bag. The feel of his stiff bulge startled her and she immediately withdrew her hand, looking at her partner. 

Mulder was crimson as he looked out the car window, his heart racing inside his chest. His head stayed in that direction for the rest of the trip. Mulder was fighting with himself the entire time they’d left the office to go to the crime scene. The ride in the elevator had stirred something in him. He hadn’t touched her or brushed against her, so what was going on? When they got in the car, he asked to drive so he could concentrate on something else besides his crotch. By the time they had arrived, things seemed to be back to normal, or as normal as they could be. It was the walk back to the car that triggered something again. 

Now, Mulder didn’t seem to need contact. He was aroused just by being near her. But this particular situation was really bad: Mulder had never gotten a full fledge erection before. He had been aroused but didn’t get hard. He was somehow able to avoid any embarrassing situations in the past. He tried to not allow the love he felt for Scully to manifest itself in his groin. It was a constant fight everyday to control this but he was able to do it. It would often mean a lot of cold showers after work but he was willing to do anything to keep these feelings from interfering with working with her. He would die if he couldn’t work with her because of this. Remarkably, none of this was interfering with his work in general. He still performed at his best and got the job done. He was strong in that way. Now he wasn’t sure if he would be able to do this any longer. Having a hard-on was extremely distracting. 

The rest of the trip back to the Bureau was in silence. Mulder felt like running from the car, never to be heard from again. The more he tried to ignore his condition, the more it seemed to be screaming at him. By the time the car had come to a complete stop, Mulder was squirming uncomfortably in his seat. He took off his seat belt, unlocked the door and pushed it open. Without looking back at Scully, he sprinted towards the building and to the nearest Men’s room. 

After he was done, he walked out of the bathroom, not knowing where to go next. He couldn’t go back to the office because she was there. He glanced at his watch-- it was almost five. He decided to go home. When Mulder arrived at his apartment, he changed into some running clothes and went for a run to clear his head and think. A fine rain had begun to fall. Mixed with the chill in the air, this made for a good combination to put out the fire inside him. 

As he ran, his mind began to go over what happened in the car. This was the very thing he desperately tried to avoid all this time: He knew once this happened, there would be no turning back. He never thought she would actually be there to witness it. That just made the situation all the more irreversible. His love for her had now become a major obstacle. Whenever he was near her now, the feelings were unbearable. He no longer could push them somewhere until he got home and into the shower. It was only a matter of time before his work and performance would suffer. And if he lost focus while on the job, it could result in deadly consequences for them both. 

Mulder stopped running to catch his breath and do a little stretching. Then he leaned against a light post, continuing to think of what he could do to erase what happened. He knew that was impossible. He turned his head towards the night sky, his breath leaving his body in the form of smoke. Mulder closed his eyes and said out loud what he had been thinking: 

”I can’t let this continue. I have to leave.” 

He knew there was no other way out of this. Even if he went to her confessing his undying love and she said she felt the same way, they could never be together. He knew that. Their careers would be in jeopardy, not to mention their lives. Their enemies would love to be able to use their relationship to get what they wanted. He couldn’t bare the thought of Scully's entire career being destroyed or her very life being in danger-- no, he had to leave. He’d put in for a transfer. The idea of leaving the “X-Files” wasn’t as painful as the idea of leaving her but what else could he do? This decision would be the best for both of them in the long run, he was certain of that. 

But if he got his transfer, where would he go? Could he continue the “X-Files” somewhere else? Alone-- could he actually do it all without her? Mulder knew the answer. No, he couldn’t. He didn’t even want to try. If he couldn’t do it with her then he wouldn’t do it at all. Maybe he’d transfer to a different kind of department in the Bureau. He had other useful talents. He could go back to profiling but if he didn’t, the only other thing he could do was resign all together. This thought relentlessly crossed his mind. 

Mulder began to run back to his apartment. He had to make a decision and he had all night to do it. When he arrived at his apartment, he stripped and jumped in the shower. He got out, dried himself and put on jeans and a gray tee shirt, then he glanced at his watch- it was 7:45 PM. He had over 18 hours to wait before he would be able to call and request his transfer-- or whatever. There was no way he would be able to sleep tonight so he settled for a long, torturous basketball game. This would kill a few hours. He went to the refrigerator and grabbed a beer. On his way back to the couch, his phone rang. He let the machine get it, knowing who it probably was. Sitting on the couch, he listened.

=This is Mulder, I can’t answer your call right now, so please leave a message =BEEP=

=“Mulder it’s me-- if you’re there, please pick up... I really think we should talk. Please call me.”=

Mulder laid back on his couch and let out a sigh that almost sounded like a groan. He closed his eyes then opened them, turning his head to stare dazed at the TV. The game might have been on but his mind was somewhere else. He couldn’t stop thinking about his future, a future without Scully or the “X-Files”. Not only did his head hurt, his heart hurt. The more he thought about it, the more he wondered if it would be better to just resign and leave it all behind. No more “Spooky Mulder”, no more black lung son of a bitch, no more lies, no more shit! 

He looked at his watch once more and saw that it was 8:57 AM. He actually made it through. He slowly rose from the couch and walked over to his desk. He dropped in the chair and turned on his computer. Rubbing his hands over his face, he placed his fingers on the keyboard. After taking in a deep breath and letting it out, he began to type, slowly and carefully, emphasizing every work and letter. 

To Whom It May Concern:  
I, Special Agent Fox William Mulder, hereby resign from my position as Special Agent for the Federal Bureau of Investigation, effective immediately. 

Sincerely,  
Fox Mulder

Mulder sat back in his chair and read over his letter, nodding his head. It was straight to point and clear. He printed it out and signed it. Turning on his fax machine, he dialed the number and sent it to Skinner’s office. It was done. It was over. Everything. Mulder felt a mixture of relief and panic. What was he going to do now? He was no longer employed, at least in his mind. He wasn’t thinking about the fact that the letter still had to be approved. He just felt free for the first time in his life. It was a new and terrifying feeling. 

Mulder was not allowing himself to realize all the official crap that still had to happen before he was really free. If he thought he felt terrified now, wait until he had to meet with Skinner... He couldn’t possibly think Skinner would just approve the resignation of one of his best agents without an explanation and a proper reaming. Mulder didn’t want to think about any of that right now, he just wanted to ponder what he’d just done and how his life was about to do a complete 360. He got up from his desk, swaying a little. He suddenly felt exhausted and really sleepy, so much so that he couldn’t keep his eyes open. He threw himself on his couch and drifted off into a much needed sleep.

A half-hour passed when he heard his phone ring. He stirred slightly, waiting for his machine to pick up. His message played, then the beep...

=”Agent Mulder, this is Assistant Director Skinner. I’d like to see you in my office as soon as possible—this is concerning a recent fax I received. And I do mean as soon as possible, Agent."=

Mulder opened his eyes and sat up looking at his watch: it was only 9:31 AM. He had slept only 30 minutes. He felt like a truck had just hit him and after hearing Skinner, he wished one would. He lifted his tired body from the couch and staggered into the bathroom to take a quick shower and shave. Afterwards, he decided to not put on his official F.B.I. garb and settled for jeans and a tee shirt. Mulder figured since he was no longer an F.B.I. agent he didn’t have to dress like one, even if his “ex-agent” status wasn’t official yet. He wanted to let Skinner know he was serious about his resignation and coming to work "out of uniform" would surely send that message. He wasn’t going to let Skinner change his mind. 

Mulder grabbed his leather jacket and keys, then headed out the door. He got behind the wheel of his car and just sat. He began to think about what was going to happen-- how Skinner was going to demand to know the reason for his resignation. He knew he couldn’t lie to him because even if he tried to, the truth would eventually surface and he would be in even more trouble for doing it. No-- he would tell the truth when he was asked. He’d level with him, man to man. As a man, Skinner should be able to understand and sympathize with his situation. 

But Skinner was not known for being very sympathetic. This was the least of Mulder’s problems, however. What if he ran into Scully? Mulder began to feel a sense of growing panic in his gut. That was a scenario he did not want to play out, at least not yet. He had to do one thing at a time. First: take care of Skinner, then Scully. He would rather just run but he only had occasional cowardly thoughts-- he wasn’t a coward. Plus the fact he could never hurt her like that by just running away. Mulder blew out his breath and started the ignition. He drove with a purpose. He was going to tidy up some loose ends and then get on with his life. Or-- to begin his new life...

The End of Chapter One


	2. A Change Of Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mulder gets advice from a surprising source and has a change of heart.

J. Edgar Hoover Building  
Garage

Mulder parked his car in the garage and sat for a few minutes trying to get back some of the determination he had moments ago. He took in a deep breath, expelled it and got out of the car. Forcefully, he walked into the building and went up to Skinner’s office. Mulder took another deep breath before placing his hand on the knob and opening the door. He turned his back to close the door and when he turned around, his heart skipped a beat. He stared, wide eyed at his partner, who was sitting in the waiting area, obviously waiting for him to arrive. She approached him. 

“Mulder, we need to talk,” Scully said, her voice desperate. Mulder looked over at Kimberly, who was pretending to be working on her computer. He saw the side glances she was giving both of them.

“Scully, not now. I need to talk to Skinner,” he said as he tried to get past her but she was blocking the way.

“No, Mulder-- we need to talk first,” she said adamantly. “I know about the fax.” 

Mulder looked down at her in shock. **Jesus, I just faxed it to him this morning. How could she know about it already? Did Skinner call her to his office as soon as he got it?**

“Mulder,” she said, her tone calmer, “we really need to talk before you do something you’ll regret.” She was now looking up into his eyes. 

Mulder swallowed then glanced at Kimberly, who was no longer trying to hide her concern. “Kimberly, let him know I’ll be in to see him shortly-- thanks.” 

She nodded and Mulder looked down at Scully saying, “Okay, but let’s talk in our office so we won’t be disturbed.” 

The partners walked out the door and towards the elevator. They were the only two in the elevator and they remained silent. After getting out of the elevator, they kept silent all the way to their office. When they both went inside and closed the door, the conversation began. Before Mulder had reached his desk, Scully was laying into him.

“Mulder, what is this about you faxing Skinner your resignation? He called me into his office to ask me about it and I didn’t know a damned thing!” She was now looming over his desk, both hands on her hips.

Mulder sat behind his desk without removing his jacket. He clasped his hands, trying to assume a posture of calm as he looked up sheepishly at his ex-partner. 

“Mulder, I asked you a question and I expect an answer,” she said in an ever-growing angry tone. 

Mulder had been dreading this moment but he knew it had to come sooner or later. Of course, he’d rather it be later but the time had come and he had to give her an explanation. He owed her that much.

“Scully, I had to do this. I...” He kept his eyes down, avoiding eye contact. 

Scully noticed Mulder was struggling to answer the question so she decided to help him out a little. “Mulder,” she asked calmly, “Does this have anything to do with what happened in the car yesterday?” 

Mulder looked up at Scully, praying he could keep the blood from rushing to his face. “No, Scully-- at least not entirely,” he answered, leaning on his desk with his head in his hands. 

“Then what is it, Mulder? What on earth could make you want to give up the X-Files? Not to mention leave me.” She searched his eyes for the answer.

Mulder didn’t want her searching his eyes for anything. He could hardly bare her looking at him at all. When she looked at him in a certain way, he melted. He could deny her nothing. She was giving him that look right now, so he could only give her what she wanted: the truth. 

“You, Scully. It’s you.” His answer was practically a whisper but she heard him, loud and clear.

“Me? What do you mean, Mulder?” she asked, showing Mulder the hurt in her eyes. 

He turned away from those eyes that promised to sear a burning hole in his heart. He got up to pace as he tried to tell her the truth, being very careful to not hurt her anymore. “Scully, for a very long time now, I’ve been having a hard time with something. It’s been really hard for me to concentrate on my work.” He glanced at her and saw she was listening intently, so he took a deep breath and continued: “The incident in the car was just the end result of stuff that was happening inside me for a long time.” 

Scully had a frown on her face. “Mulder, are you saying all of this is because of me? I’m keeping you from concentrating and I’m the cause of what happened to you in the car yesterday?” Scully asked, not believing the questions she found herself asking. 

“Yes, Scully,” he answered, not being able to hide his embarrassment. 

She went over and sat in the chair in front of his desk. “Mulder, how long has this been going on? When did it start?” she asked, wide eyed.

Mulder went to sit back down behind his desk. “Scully, to be honest, it was after you had cancer.” 

Scully’s frown returned. “You mean it was my getting cancer that made all of this happen?” she asked, confusion written all over her face.

Mulder let out a slight snicker. “No, Scully. It’s not that simple. After you were diagnosed with cancer, I began to see you differently. You became vulnerable and needy. You weren’t as independent as you were before and I was attracted to the fact you needed me. Do you understand?” Mulder asked, hoping she would so he wouldn’t have to explain any further.

“I’m not sure, Mulder. You’re telling me you were attracted to me because I needed you?” she asked, still quite confused.

“As sick as that sounds, yes. In my relationships with women, it’s mostly their dependence on me I found attractive. Don’t get me wrong-- I find a great body and a pretty face as attractive as the next guy but their neediness makes me feel wanted and desired. I like the feeling of giving them what they need-- in more ways than one,” he added with uncharacteristic self-confidence.

Scully watched Mulder as though he were a specimen under a microscope. “Mulder, you’re attracted to charity cases?” she asked, surprised at him.

Mulder shrugged. “I guess so but I wouldn’t call you a charity case, Scully.”

“Maybe not now Mulder but at that time, I was in pretty bad shape,” she said, reminiscing about the past. “I lost my faith. I didn’t think I would survive.” Then she looked into his eyes. “It was you who gave me my faith, Mulder. You believed I would survive. Through you I began to believe it, too. You refused to give up on finding a cure. I did depend on you for a while but not any more. I needed to regain my independence and my strength.”

“Scully, you were always strong. That’s why you survived. I thought since I was attracted to you needing me, when you stopped needing me the feelings I had would stop also.”

“But they didn’t,” Scully offered.

Mulder shook his head. “No, they didn’t. The feelings actually were intensified. Whenever I was around you...” Mulder was becoming embarrassed again. “I... uh...became...” 

“Aroused?” Scully asked, coming to the rescue again. 

Mulder nodded, not looking up at her.

Now Scully stood and began to pace the room. She came back to his desk and folded her arms. “Are you feeling aroused right now, Mulder?” she asked.

Mulder didn’t answer right away. He looked as if he were trying to figure out if he was. He glanced up at her with puppy dog eyes and nodded.

Scully began to pace again in frustration. “Christ, Mulder-- I don’t understand why this is happening to you now. You’re not taking Viagra, are you?” she asked seriously.

“No, Scully, I’m not. I don’t understand it either but the feelings I felt when you were sick won’t go away. I began to see you in a different light. I liked taking care of you, being there for you.” Then looking into her eyes, he added, “I still want that now.”

“Mulder, is it the fact you can’t control yourself when you are around me or is it your just wanting to have a relationship with me?” Scully asked.

“I think it’s a little of both. I’m infatuated with you, Scully. I think I've always have been but now it’s very intense and I can’t control myself anymore.”

“So, you’ve decided to leave-- resign from the F.B.I. because you can no longer work with me?” 

Her tone was a little sarcastic. Hearing her say it like that made it sound stupid and trivial. 

“Scully, what else could I do? If I continue to work with you under these conditions, eventually my work would suffer and I would be unable to perform because of the distraction. I would be putting our lives in danger,” Mulder said, trying to get her to understand.

“Fine, Mulder. You’re doing the right thing then. Quit, resign, leave, run. If I’m causing you to be unable to do your job anymore then you should leave. Get away from me as soon as you can,” Scully said as she walked towards the door, obviously upset. As she placed her hand on the knob, she added, with tears in her eyes, “After you’re gone, don’t bother to call me. Maybe my voice would arouse you over the phone-- I’m not into that.” 

Then she left, slamming the door behind her. Mulder sat staring at the closed door. Well, you handled that perfectly... She really understood and sympathized with you. If you did this well with her, imagine how well you’re going to do with Skinner... Mulder leaned on the desk and placed his face in his hands, shaking his head. He told Scully the truth and she was mad at him. What else could he have done? God, this was really becoming a living nightmare he wanted desperately to wake up from. He wanted things to be the same as they were before. The more he thought about it, the more lost he felt. Damn my hormones! 

He hoped Skinner would be sympathetic to him and give him the advice he needed. He also hoped he wouldn’t be too angry about the resignation. Mulder stood up and walked to the door. He felt as though he were going to his next firing squad after being shot a couple of times already. Maybe Skinner would notice the condition he was already in, take pity on him and wouldn’t consider shooting him himself. Knowing Skinner, that scenario hardly seemed likely but Mulder figured he could still hope since he had nothing else to lose. 

 

Office Of A. D. Walter S. Skinner

Mulder arrived at Skinner’s waiting room door. He peered inside to make sure a certain red headed agent wasn’t lurking around to finish him off. When he saw the coast was clear, he walked towards Kimberly’s desk.

“Hi, Kimberly-- is he ready to see me now?” Mulder asked, giving her a pleasant smile.

Kimberly looked up from her work and smiled back at Mulder. “Good morning, Agent Mulder. The AD has been waiting for you. Go right in.”

Mulder didn’t see any sign of ‘you’re in big trouble’ on her face, so he thanked her and went inside. Skinner was sitting at his desk reading a file and did not look up when Mulder entered the office. He just told him to have a seat. As Mulder moved to sit, Skinner glanced up at him. He clearly disapproved of his choice of wardrobe.

“Agent Mulder, this is still a work day and you haven’t been officially excused from your position,” Skinner said, glaring. 

Mulder froze, bending at the waist, giving Skinner his best innocent face. Skinner sighed and grunted for him to sit down. Before beginning, he took off his glasses and rubbed between his eyes. Mulder watched for signs telling him what kind of mood he was in but he wasn’t able to read his boss’s face. Skinner put his glasses back on and reached for the sheet of paper lying on top of his desk. He threw the paper in Mulder’s direction.

“What the hell is this?” Skinner snarled.

Mulder picked up the paper-- it was his faxed resignation. He looked up from the paper to find his boss glaring at him again. Mulder had his mouth open to speak when Skinner verbally stopped him.

“Agent Mulder, did you think you could just fax this piece of shit to me and that would be it? You figured that after 5 years of service I would just let you resign without getting an explanation from you—in person?” Skinner asked in a less than pleasant voice.

Mulder opened his mouth again to reply and again was cut off. 

“I’m surprised at you, Agent Mulder. After all these years, I would have thought you would respect or trust me enough to discuss something as big as a resignation.” His tone seemed calmer, but that was only momentary.

Mulder wondered if he would be allowed to speak this time, so he quickly spoke before he was stopped again. “Sir, if I may be allowed to explain?” Mulder asked timidly.

“Go ahead, Agent Mulder. I’m eager to hear what you have to say.” Skinner said, his tone a bit too controlled. 

**Apparently not all that eager,** Mulder thought to himself. He knew he wasn’t all that eager to start the explaining, but he couldn’t put it off any longer. 

“Sir, I never meant any disrespect to you by faxing you my resignation. I knew I would eventually have to come in to explain. I just wanted you to get it before I changed my mind.”

“Before you changed your mind? What does that mean? It sounds as if you don’t want to resign-- like something is forcing you to make this decision,” Skinner said, leaning forward on his desk.

Mulder lowered his eyes for a moment then looked up at Skinner. “You’re right, Sir. I don’t want to do this-- I have to,” Mulder stated frankly.

Skinner’s expression was one big question mark. 

Mulder continued to explain: “You see, Sir, for some time now--” Mulder paused to take in a deep breath and let it out. “--I have been troubled by something and now it’s gotten out of control.” Mulder glanced at Skinner then swallowed. “Sir, ever since Agent Scully returned to work, I haven’t been able to concentrate,” Mulder admitted.

“And why is that?” Skinner asked.

Mulder wet his suddenly dry lips, staring down at his lap. “Whenever she’s around me, I get... ah... ah...” Mulder looked at Skinner for some help. He just glared at him from behind his glasses. 

**So, let’s start again, shall we..?** 

“When Scully is near me, I... ah... get ah... aroused.” Mulder glanced up at Skinner to see his reaction.

Skinner frowned asking, “You get what?!”

Mulder lowered his gaze again then sighed loudly, “I... get a...roused,” he said slowly, making sure Skinner heard it so he wouldn’t have to repeat it again. 

Skinner got up from his desk and walked around it to where Mulder was. He sat on the front watching him intensely. Mulder felt Skinner’s eyes on him and couldn’t remain quiet. 

“Sir, I didn’t want this to happen, it just does. I can’t help it. I’m sorry, Sir!”

Mulder felt all of the calm leaving his body and with no sleep, he was wondering why he wasn’t bawling his eyes out right then.

Skinner continued to watch Mulder, who was obviously in a lot of anguish over what he'd been experiencing. So, Skinner thought, **it finally happened. Mulder was opening his eyes. He was finally allowing himself to feel something.** He felt like shaking his hand to congratulate him but he knew he couldn’t do that. This was truly not the ideal situation-- Scully was his partner and being aroused by your partner was simply not allowed. 

Some in the Bureau said it was just a matter of time before something like this would happen. Skinner tried not to think too much about it. Though he always thought in another place and time, Mulder and Scully would have made a good couple but he had hoped neither one of them would discover this themselves. They made a great working team and he didn’t want to see anything destroy that but here was Mulder before him now, coming clean about what happens to him when his partner was near and his only solution for this problem was to resign. 

Mulder was nervously wringing his hands, waiting for his boss to say something.  
In a calm voice, Skinner asked, “Mulder, how long has this been going on?”

“Ever since Scully returned to work.” Mulder found it difficult to have eye contact with Skinner.

“So you became attracted to your partner after she returned from sick leave?”

Mulder nodded, keeping his head down.

“Mulder, did anything happen between the two of you while Scully was out sick?”

Mulder thought for a moment, then answered, “I think we became closer.”

“What do you mean by closer?” Skinner asked.

“Well, for the first time, she really needed me. She needed me to be there for her, to comfort her.”

“And were you?” Skinner asked, knowing the answer.

“Of course I was. If she wanted me to hold her, I did. If she wanted me to do something for her, I did it. There was nothing I wouldn’t have done for her.” 

Mulder was now looking Skinner straight in the eyes.

“So-- you began to act differently around her since she became dependent on you. You felt you had to protect her more than before. You developed new feelings for her that grew out of your need to help her through her illness.”

Mulder looked at his boss as if he were looking at someone he’d never met before in his life. Skinner actually understood. “Yes, Sir, that’s it exactly.”

Skinner smiled at the surprised look on Mulder’s face. “Mulder, you were and are experiencing what’s known as Florence Nightingale effect. I saw it a lot when I was at the VA hospital. Nurses would fall in love with their patients. While you were caring for your ill partner, you became infatuated with her. You developed feelings you didn’t have for her before. All the compassion and concern for her well-being turned into sexual arousal-- others might call it love.”

Mulder was seriously taking in what Skinner said, but something didn’t make sense. “I’ve heard of this Sir, but I’m not Scully’s doctor or her nurse.”

“No, you’re not, Agent Mulder but you wouldn’t need to be. You were taking care of her so you were in the position of caregiver—similar enough to the role of a doctor or a nurse.”

“But Sir, she’s better now and she doesn’t need me to take care of her anymore. Why do I still feel this way about her?” he asked in a little boy voice.

“Agent Mulder, you have to give yourself time. No one can just turn off feelings like they were turning off a light-- not even you. It’s going to take some time before you begin to see Scully the way she was and when that happens, things will return to normal.”

“You mean the way I’m feeling now is only temporary? I’ll see Scully the way she was before, and not be... aroused by her? I won’t feel as though I’m in love with her anymore?” Mulder’s voice had a pleading quality to it.

“I’ve seen it before, Mulder. Once the need to take care of her is gone, your feelings will change.” 

Mulder realized this was probably true. Once his girlfriends no longer needed him, he began to feel differently about them. He didn’t seem to care about them any more. Lord knows when he gave them what they wanted, they didn’t need him anymore, either... 

But there was still a problem. “How long will it take before my feelings change?” Mulder asked.

“Christ, I can’t tell you that, Mulder. It depends on how intense your feelings are,” Skinner offered.

“Would you call getting an erection intense?” Mulder asked in his deadpan voice.

Skinner lifted an eyebrow. “Yes, Mulder, I’d say that was pretty intense. Did that happen often?” he inquired, trying to keep his voice level.

“Well, a few times and once when I was in the car with her.”

“Did Scully notice?”

“Yes, she... accidentally…grabbed me,” Mulder said, fighting to keep from blushing.

“Oh!” was all Skinner could say.

“This was why I felt I had no choice but to resign, to get as far away from her as I could. I had to—- or die from sheer embarrassment and the fact that I thought I would always feel this way around her,” Mulder told him.

“Now-- you see where you would have made a big mistake?” Skinner said with a hint of a smile.

“Yeah, I guess so. In the beginning, I was going to request a transfer but I thought about it and figured if I couldn’t have Scully as my partner, I didn’t want to continue the X-Files any more,” Mulder said in a morose tone.

Skinner nodded his head in complete agreement. 

Mulder looked into his eyes again. “Sir, what am I going to do about what happened in the car? How can I ever work with Scully again after that? And how am I going to stop this from happening again until my feelings change?” Mulder’s eyes were pleading again in the hope Skinner could give him the answers he sought.

Skinner rubbed the bridge of his nose under his glasses and moved back behind his desk. “Mulder, has anyone ever told you that you ask a lot of questions?” 

“Yeah, almost everyone,” he said flatly.

Taking in a deep breath and letting it out, Skinner attempted to answer Mulder’s questions. “Mulder, you’re just going to have to talk to Scully. If you’re honest with her like you were with me, she’ll understand what happened. The two of you have been partners for some time now. You should be able to talk things out.”

“I hope so because after we spoke today, she left angry.”

“She was probably angry because you didn’t say anything to her before you made the decision to resign. I felt the same way when you walked in here. Mulder, the people who care about you want you to talk to them when you’re having problems. You don’t need to handle these things alone.” Skinner’s tone was almost paternal.

“But Sir, you have to agree I couldn’t have talked to Scully about this!” Mulder exclaimed, feeling a little flushed.

“Okay, but you could have come and talked it over with me. I do have other functions other than reaming out wayward agents, you know,” he said with a hint of humor.

Mulder had to smile himself at that last remark. 

“And Agent Mulder,” Skinner continued, ”the thing about you getting another erection again when you’re near her—well, it might happen again or it might not. If you feel you’re becoming aroused, think of something unpleasant or remove yourself from the situation. Go take a walk and if that doesn’t work, excuse yourself and apply an ice pack or one of those thermal freezing packs. They’re usually in emergency kits in case of injury.” 

He looked at Mulder, whose stunned expression seemed to be asking, ‘Apply... what???’ 

“Yes, Mulder, you heard me-- and don’t even think about asking me how I know this will work.”

Mulder looked wide eyed at Skinner, shaking his head from side to side.

Skinner glanced at his watch. “Now-- if there’s nothing else, Agent Mulder, I have another meeting I have to prepare for.”

Mulder nodded as he rose from his chair. Skinner picked up the resignation letter Mulder left on the desk. “Agent Mulder, what do you want me to do with this?” he asked, holding it up.

Mulder turned around as he approached the door. “I guess you could do the same thing you did to my last resignation letter-- tear it up,” Mulder said with a smile as he opened the door and walked out.

Skinner held the letter, shaking his head then proceeded to tear it into as many pieces as he could. Then he leaned over and dropped them into the wastepaper basket. He looked up as his door opened again.

“Oh, Sir-- I forgot to say thank you. I really appreciate everything you said to me,” Mulder said, leaning half way inside the office.

“Don’t mention it, Agent Mulder. Just do what I said-- and talk to your partner.”

“I will, Sir. Thank you, Sir.” And Mulder disappeared behind the door and out of sight. 

Skinner smiled to himself then prepared for his next meeting.

 

Office Of Special Agent Fox Mulder

Mulder hurried down to his office, hoping Scully would be there. He opened the door and peered inside. She was next to his desk reading a file, apparently oblivious to him entering. He turned around to close the door, and when he turned back, she was watching him. Their eyes locked for a moment. Mulder couldn’t take it any more and looked away. He was feeling guilty for not talking to Scully before he made his decision to resign. After all, she was his partner and best friend. She deserved to know if he was going to leave her. 

Mulder slowly walked over to Scully, who was now standing. He looked into her eyes, determined not to look away this time. 

“Scully, I’m so sorry I didn’t have the courage to talk to you about my problem. I was just afraid. I didn’t know how you would react and I was also really ashamed of myself.” He looked away again.

Scully reached up and held his face, forcing him to look at her. “Mulder, I can’t believe you would actually think about resigning without talking to me first.” She let the hurt be heard in her voice.

Mulder removed Scully’s hand from his face and held it in both his hands.  
He stared into her eyes. “Scully, you have no idea what I’ve been going through since you returned to work. Have you heard of The Florence Nightingale effect?” Mulder asked.

“Yes-- that’s when a nurse or doctor falls in love with their patient.”

“Or a caregiver” he said, letting go of her hand.

“Don’t tell me you believe you had this?” She tried to cover the humor that she was feeling. 

“Yes, I do, Scully. Think about it. My feelings of love or arousal started when I was with you in the hospital. It continued after you came back. Before you got sick, I wasn’t feeling like this.” Mulder was now sitting on the edge of his desk.

“So, you think when you were with me in the hospital you began to fall in love with me-- and this was because you were caring for me?” she asked carefully, listening to her own words.

“Yes, Scully. This is the only explanation I have for what has happened.”

“Okay, Mulder-- say this is the reason. What are you going to do about it? Resign?” Scully tried not to sound too sarcastic.

Mulder got up from the desk and placed his hands on his hips. “No, Scully, that’s the best part. I don’t have to leave now because these feelings are only temporary. I’m not sure how long it will take but I’ll soon begin to see you the way you were before you got sick and not have these feelings any more.” Mulder had an eager glint in his eye, but soon it would be gone.

Scully got up from her desk and walked past Mulder, obviously not sharing his good mood. She turned to face him, watching as the glint was replaced with anxiety. Scully sighed then she spoke. 

“Mulder,” she said, beginning to pace, “I still don’t know why your only solution to this was to resign. Would you’ve actually left me because of this?” Scully was desperately trying to hold back the tears were threatening to come. She searched his eyes.

Mulder heard the pain in her words and each one was like a punch to his stomach. He suddenly felt queasy. He walked over to stand directly in front of her. Looking down into her moist eyes, he said, “Scully, I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t want to leave but I couldn’t stay with the way I was feeling. I really couldn’t concentrate on the work any more. I didn’t know how to control myself. You saw what happened in the car. Christ, how could I have ignored that and kept on working? It would have been impossible. I was afraid something horrible would have happened eventually if I had stayed. I felt I would be putting us in danger. For your sake and mine, I thought the only solution was to leave.”

“What about now, Mulder? What are you going to do until the feeling wears off?” 

“Well, I could think of something unpleasant, like CSM or I could just leave, no-- I don’t mean leave. I mean remove myself from the situation...” **Good save, Mulder...** “When it starts happening, I could go take a walk,” he said, definitely not volunteering to tell her the other suggestion.

Scully frowned, asking, “That’s all you have to do-- take a walk and it would go away? I’ve heard maybe applying something cold would do the trick, like one of those cold packs-- but don’t ask me where I heard that because I won’t tell you,” she said, with a warm smile gracing her lips.

Mulder, too, was wearing a warm smile but not for the same reason. He stepped closer towards Scully, holding the sides of her face. “Scully, I think my condition was clouding my judgment when I made the decision to resign. I promise I won’t make any more decisions like that without talking to you first. Okay? Can you forgive me?” he asked, brushing the hair away from her face.

“Yes, of course I can forgive you Mulder-- just don’t let it happen again,” she threatened playfully.

“It won’t,” he said, removing his hands from her face, then rummaging through his desk drawer.

“Mulder, what are you looking for?” she asked, moving closer to his desk.

Without stopping his ransacking, he asked, “Scully, where is that emergency kit we keep in the office?”

Looking puzzled, she offered, “I think it’s in the file cabinet next to the window. Why?”

Closing his desk drawer, he rushed over to the cabinet, opened it and pulled out the kit. After opening it, he looked to see if what he needed was inside. “I’ll be right back,” Mulder said, closing the kit and the drawer, then quickly walking to the door.

“Mulder-- where are you going?” she asked, still puzzled at her partner’s behavior.

“No where—uh, I’ll be back,” he said, opening the door and dashing out.

Scully stood watching the closed door for a moment shaking her head. Poor Mulder. She realized he must have gotten aroused and had to use the cold pack in the emergency kit to get rid of his erection. Scully sat back down and leaned on Mulder's desk to wait for him to return. She tried to figure out how she was going to avoid staring at his crotch the moment he walked through the door. Now a grin had replaced the smile and Scully realized she’d better change her frame of mind. She leaned off the desk and took out the file she was reading of the current case they were working on. Scully knew if she didn’t get her mind off of Mulder’s situation, she, too, would be in need of a cooling down. Smiling to herself again, she pretended to read the file until he returned.

 

The End


End file.
